The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.

I’ve been with the same company for two years. Nothing really special. My longest stay at a job was about 8 years. But this job is a little different. I started off as entry level. Got my foot in the door. Learned everything I could and performed the best I could. Some stumbles along the way but I did well I would say. About 18 months down the road I was offered a position in a completely different department. It was beyond what I was doing then and it was in a direction I wanted my career to go. I immediately jumped on it, didn’t talk much of it and did what I could to get it. A week later I was given an offer and I took it. I progressed quickly. I had to cut ties with somethings to make room for my new role. It was difficult but it was for the best.

But even though I got this new position and new responsibilities I was still at the same place. Everyone around me was doing something else then what I was doing and this caused people to take notice. They saw me a little more relaxed. They saw me that I was setting my own schedule and doing things my way. They saw that I had more freedom to do what I wanted. This was the first battle of jealousy around me. Almost everyday I would hear “Do you even work?” Yes. Yes, I am working. But people didn’t see that. I wasn’t doing what they were doing I was doing something different. I was acting different. I even dressed differently.

Then came the pressure. “Why are you still here?” referring to my location. “Why don’t you go work at home?” The pressure came from the managers of my previous role. They wanted my location for someone new. I didn’t blame them. I wanted them to have it. But my role did not allow me to work from home. My new supervisor said that I support them actually. But they didn’t see that. I try. But it can be too much sometimes.

So now what? I have people around me that don’t like it that I don’t do what they do and I have managers pressuring me to go somewhere else. I ask my supervisor for assistance and things start rolling.

milton-office-spaceThere is this office that is occupied by someone that comes in to the site once every three months. The remaining time it’s used as storage for IT equipment. (Monitors, keyboards, wires, phones, etc.) After I got my position she already had it in her mind that I was going to be replacing her to a sense. She wants me to do the stuff that she’s supposed to do. Honestly, I didn’t mind. I was just excited to be doing something I enjoy. So, this woman finally packs up and moves out. I swoop in and start claiming it my own under the direction of my supervisor and his supervisor.

I think I was naive to think people would be happy for me. I believed that I would have people coming in sitting there with me talking, having lunch and enjoying that one of the own has gotten this far. Sure, there are the few that high-fived me, or whatever. But there is this hint of envy. This glaze behind their eyes that is saying “Why him? Why not me?”

Been dealing with these “office politics” for months. It’s exhausting. Putting up a fake smile and trying not to let the “Do you ever work?”, “What do you do?”, “I wish I could take an hour lunch.”, “I wish I had an office so I could do nothing.” And after so much, you start to believe it. It’s discouraging.

So I moved into this storage office. In this office is boxes upon boxes. In some boxes are phones that will never get used, cables that are obsolete, keyboards and mice that have a grime on them they should just be thrown out. There are monitors crowding space and more boxes that are empty but are needed in case something was to actually get shipped from that department. I have a desk, and I have some cabinets that I’ve put some person things and work related things. I have a drawer still that I keep my snacks and a drawer to keep person effects like books and games and desk toys. I never really get to use that drawer anymore. I have my keyboard and mouse. My dual monitors and a laptop that I sometimes wish was a desktop. I sit in a chair and work in Excel and bounce between Internet Explorer and Email all day. I answer the occasional phone call and the random drop in. I have a job. I know what it is. I do the best I can at it.

685433417ff0b63c24e8d5aa51c18145d49a4e0f5732015eb29ab05c8fbfd2abToday, I sat in that office. I had the door closed. On the outside of the door I could hear people talking. Someone laughing. Inside the office, its quiet. The hum from the florescent lights and the whirl of the tiny fan in the laptop is all I can hear. I do have headphones and I could be listening to music or a podcast. But sitting in there, listening to them and looking at myself, I felt alone. And thinking about the jealousy from the people around me and the envy from the people I consider my friend makes me feel like I did something wrong.

I was placed in that office because the equipment in it needs to be locked up. Company policy. I took it upon myself even before this position to get it organized. It was a disaster before me. One giant box of cables, broken keyboards, obsolete equipment. It was bad. But I took ownership of it. I made it my own and I tackled the problem and found a solution. I made it more efficient and easy to use. With little to no thanks from my superiors; I didn’t care. I put passion into something and it came out great. I was proud for what I did. Well, that’s where I am now. In my passion.

2017-02-21-22_51_37-what-i-really-do-meme-generatorSo I guess I really don’t have a point to this post. This was more just a journal entry really. I guess this is just my way to help me justify what I’m feeling. I went to go play a game with the girlfriend tonight but my heart wasn’t in it. I didn’t want to be competitive anymore. I didn’t want to put on a fake smile, a fake laugh a fake interest in people. I’ve done that enough and I wanted a break. To my disappointment I didn’t get that in something I loved to do tonight. I don’t know if I can put the blame on what has been happening. It’s probably a multi-factor issue I’m having. But this… this has been stressful.

Now I realize, I may be being overly sensitive about all of this. I mean, I have a good job. I like what I do. I work with great people. I’m sure no one really has any ill feelings towards me. I’m sure most would say to my face “Good for you” if they could.

I just wish they would.

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